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Submitted by Sara from Waterford, Ireland
Date: Fri Jul 13 18:52:46 2001
Dear AJ,
I've already written in here (although that entry's like 170 pages back by now!) but I had to post another message, because without realising it, you did something for me this week and I just had to tell you about it. I don't know if you'll ever read this, but I hope so. So, here goes.
I've been thinking about you constantly, and I know how much courage it must have taken you to ask for help. I know, because you gave me the confidence to do it too.
Since August 1997 I've been harming myself. Not taking a knife to my wrist kind of harming myself, but harming myself all the same. Apparently they call it 'self-destruction'. I have (had?Fingers crossed!) a tendancy to cut myself with my nails, and occasionally other small sharp objects, making little marks all over my arms, sometimes 20 or 30 at a time (on each arm). I usually drew blood, and always tore the skin. I know this must sound incredibly weird, and I can't explain it really, but somewhere in my head it made sense.
I always managed to hide this over the years, by wearing long-sleeved tops and stuff, and after a while my skin seeemed to heal much faster after I'd done this to myself. Maybe it became kind of immune. Thing is, I knew my skin wouldn't heal forever, and now it's starting to leave tiny white scars, which I know are only going to get worse if I keep it up.
You're probably wondering why I do this. The truth is, I don't really know. Like you, my parents split up when I was little (before I was born actually) and I lived with my Mam and my Grandparents. I'd never met my father, and until I was about nine this never really bothered me. I think it was at around that age that I became more aware of other kids and their Dads. At first I was just curious, but didn't want to ask my Mam too many questions in case I hurt her feelings, although I realise now that she wouldn't have been upset. Then as I got older, the curiosity became mixed in with feelings of hurt and low self-esteem. I guess I thought, 'What's wrong with me? Why doesn't my father care about me?'. I felt like it was my fault. If I'd just asked my mother about the details I would've realised how stupid that was, but I never did.
It was during the summer of '97, when I was 11, that this started to upset me most, and that's when I started harming myself. I can't explain what was going on in my head, and only people that do this to themselves can really understand it, but I figure it will make a little sense to you, being a victim of depression. I felt worthless at times, like I deserved to be punished for being the type of person that a father couldn't love. Then, other times I'd take my anger at him out on myself, so I always ended up hurting myself in one way or another.
When I was about 12, I decided that I was going to stop blaming myself. Actually, you were part of the reason for this. You showed me that a not having a father doesn't make a person any less special, and that just in the way your Dad not having contact with you was his loss, so was it my Dad's loss not having contact with me. You also made me realise that it wasn't my fault. This didn't stop the pain altogether, but I always had you to look to when I was down.
Later that year, I met my father for the first time. He told me the whole story, and I realised that there had been a lot of stuff going on behind the scenes. It turns out that he had always wanted to have contact with me, but my Mam had refused to let him see my until I suggested it, and I had never known this and not talked about him much, so it had never happened. I now have a wonderful relationship with my father, and I have partly you to thank for it.
So that's it, problem solved, right? Wrong. Although the initial problem had gone away, by now I couldn't seem to stop harming myself. It was like an addiction, and whenever anything went wrong or I was down, I'd immediately start abusing myself. I was doing it practically all the time, and although I tried to give up so many times, it never seemed to work.
I went through all this alone. I figured I didn't want to worry my mother, and there was nothing my friends could do, so I suffered in silence. By now I'd almost convinced myself it wasn't a big deal anyway, but deep down I was scared. That's probably partly the reason why I never talked to anyone about it, I was worried they'd call me a freak.
But after I saw you admit that you have a problem to yourself and everyone else, I was inspired. I felt awful for you, and I cried my heart out. Maybe a little part of me was crying for myself. But I thought, if you, who has been through so much crap, can be this brave and ask for help, then I don't have the right to feel sorry for myself over my little problems anymore. I had to get help too. And I did.
On Wednesday, I came clean to my friends about what I've been doing to myself. They were incredibly supportive (if a little-well, a lot-shocked), and I think they can help me get through this. I still refuse to tell my Mam, but I think maybe I wont have to, because this time I have an incentive. And that's you.
This time I'm doing it for you as well as myself. I have you to look to when I feel like I can't make it, and I know that I couldn't live with myself if I din't try to stick to this, because I'd feel like I was letting you down. With you for guidance, and the help of my friends, I think I can really make it this time. I haven't harmed myself since I heard the news about you, and I don't intend to start again if I can help it.
So basically I wanted to say thanx. For being one of the biggest inspirations in my life, for making me feel like I'm not alone, for being honest, and for getting help. You've made my life a lot better just by being you.
I know the rest of the guys, your Mom, the rest of your family and your friends are going to get you through this, and I'm hoping us fans can do a little bit to help too.
So don't forget how much we all love you, and how much support you have. I have so much faith in you, I know you can do it, and with a little bit of help I think I can too.
Take care of yourself. I love you and thanx again!
Love,
~Sara~xxx
Submitted by Tamara Abdelmohsen from phil pa Palestine
Date: Fri Jul 13 18:45:23 2001
Dear A.J. i hope you feel better fast because i love you. When i found out i was crying so bad thats just to show you how much i love you.
Submitted by Blair from California USA
Date: Fri Jul 13 18:39:27 2001
Dear A.J,
When I heard about what happened to you I was shocked and heart-broken. For a few minutes all I did was cry uncontrollably, but I also felt relieved that you decided to take control of your problems. I saw you guys in concert in March and never in a hundred years did I think this would happen to any of you. I admire your strength and courage for admiting you have a problem because it isn't easy, especially when you're always in the public eye. A.J. I love you and I truly believe that you can conquer all your trials and tribulations and I send out my heart-felt wishes and prayers to you, your family, and the rest of the Boys and hope that God will help you get through this! God bless!
Love Always,
Blair
Submitted by Rose from Titusville FL USA
Date: Fri Jul 13 18:38:09 2001
Dear AJ,
Before I tell you how much you mean to me, I'd like you to know that I'm sacrificing a lot of things for you to get well. In another words, I'm fasting, I have to eat just a little bit of food, drink nothing but water for as long as you need it.
And one more thing, Brian's my favorite, but you and the other guys mean a lot to me too. When I heard about your situation, I cried, but I realized that you're moving on, and I'm proud of you for taking this step.
This is not about your music anymore, everything's about you guys' health. If you need to have a break for a year, it won't matter, because your true fan will be here by your side no matter what happens. I love you all, and please take care! Love,
Rose
Submitted by Alejandra López Flores from México Distrito Federal Mexico
Date: Fri Jul 13 18:33:34 2001
DEAR A.J.
Hola mi nombre es Alejandra y soy de México City,y te escribo sólo para recordarte que lo que te sucedió con el problema del alcoholismo,tómalo como una prueba que Dios te puso para comprobar tu fé en él.Hay miles de chicas como yo,quienes queremos brindarte todo nuestro apoyo,pero no sabemos de qué forma ayudarte,algunas sabemos donde escribirte para que sepas de nuestra existencia,pero ésto no basta,ya que algunas no poseen éstas facilidades (como lo más rápido que és internet),pues queremos conocerte como persona,no como "A.J. DE LOS BACKSTREET BOYS",porque sé que si algún día llegara a conocerte,sé que conocería a una gran persona,capaz de esforzarse y cumplir lo que quiere,es por éso que mediante éste mensaje quiero decirte que tengo un club llamdo "BACKSTREET BOYS IT'S MY LIFE" http://mx.clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/backstreetboysitsmylife y ahí hay 358 fans quienes te brindamos TODO nuestro apoyo,y que cuentas para nosotros para lo que quieras y necesitas.Por último GRACIAS por existir,mi vida no sería lo mismo sin ti y los chicos (Kevin,Nick,Brian,y Howie).USTEDES SON LO MEJOR QUE ME HA PASADO EN MI VIDA...BECAUSE BACKSTREET BOYS IT'S MY LIFE!
AJ: YOU ARE A BOY STRONG AND YOUR FANS SUPPORTS YOU.
ALEJANDRA LOPEZ DE MCLEAN.
Submitted by Mindy from portland oregon USA
Date: Fri Jul 13 18:33:14 2001
aj, all your fans are so proud of you! we love you with all our hearts and you mean the world to us! we are always gonna luv ya ! we r prayin for you and hope you will get back with bsb ono the road asap, your a hero to many people including me, and i will never forget this as long as i live. bsb r my life!!!!
plz write me at 13315 se pardee drive portland oregon 97236 , ill be waiting and plz have hope , you are a strong man and i know you can do this!
Submitted by Wendy from Puebla México. Méjico
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