Boy-toy bands don't disappear, they just evolve

Back - Index - Submissions - - What is RSS? Date: Dec 03, 2099 Source: THE MIAMI HURRICANE Submitted By: Selgas@aol.com for sending this in. THE MIAMI HURRICANE, Coral Gables, FL Vol. 77, No. 22, Tuesday, November 23, 1999 By Brian Bandell When New Kids on the Block first came out around 10 years ago, everyone brushed them off as child wonders who would soon fall out of the public eye. Predictably, they did. Now, however, they have been reincarnated in several different forms to terrorize our generation. Of course I'm talking about the Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears, N'SYNC and others like them. These artists are made to appeal to the young teenage girl market, which is willing to empty their piggy banks for the latest album and poster of their favorite idols. This music and the hype associated with this trend annoy me, along with every other guy who doesn't have severe emotional problems. Yet I have found a bright side to this pestilent problem: money. Now you too can create your very own pop-sensation hunky-boy band! Here's my plan. First, I need to find five guys that young girls find adorable. I need to make sure they have enough talent to perform basic high school cheerleader dance routines and can lip sync well. They also need to have no thoughts or opinions of their own so they will sign any contract I put in front of them. I'll get five monkeys to be in my band! Young girls find smiling chimps to be irresistible (see Hanson). Besides, the average monkey has about as much talent as a member of 98 Degrees. Now I have to name the band. I'll call them Banana Zone! Now all they need is one trip to the Gap and a fake gold jewelry store and they're ready to make millions! Oh yeah, there's the small detail of their music. I'll just take some self-help book sayings. "Love is everywhere. It doesn't matter how far you are." Basic gift-card stuff like that should work. Then I can change around the lyrics to other pop songs. "Crazy For My Baby," and "Livin' la Rico Suave" will be sure hits. The lyrics must also include references to the many companies willing to accept my band's endorsement. If LFO can say "I like girls who wear Abercrombie and Fitch," then Banana Zone can sell the lyrics of their songs to the highest bidder. You may be wondering how I'll get the monkeys to sing. I'll just do what every other pop music manager does. I'll find a good producer to work on their debut album and hire good back-up singers. See how great capitalism is? Only in America could five poor chimps, who spent years suffering in the zoo, emerge to dominate the music charts ahead of actual musicians who have devoted their entire lives to the art of music. Brian Bandell is a sophomore majoring in print journalism and sociology. ---- THE MIAMI HURRICANE is the school newspaper for the University of Miami in Florida. Comment on this item. Next Item: BSB tidbits in Rolling Stone Magazine Prev Item: Floyd can't beat Backstreet