Holden Will Fight 1,000 Backstreet Boys Fans

Back - Index - Submissions - - What is RSS? Date: Sep 01, 2099 Source: The Spark Submitted By: FoxLee51@aol.com Holden Caulfield, protagonist in JD Salinger's "Catcher in the Rye" and Spark comedy writer, has decided to answer his critics - with his fists. "Yup," says Caulfield when asked about his intention to fight one thousand girls. "I figured, enough wit and rhetoric, time to just do some fighting." A college student in his early twenties, Holden used to think of his 'job' at TheSpark.com as an easy way to make money putting his comedic sensibility on paper. Now, he says, it's become his very mission in life to care about whether people like the Backstreet Boys or not. "I wrote that thing about the Backstreet Boys at 3 in the morning, and I was pretty tired and wanted to get some sleep. Unfortunately, I had a deadline with TheSpark. So I heard one of their songs on the radio, instantaneously grasped the full cultural significance of their fame, and wrote about it in sardonic prose." Holden, a horrible ugly freak who gets no girls and is jealous of the Backstreet Boys and has no right to say mean things about people, and who, as well, should keep his opinions to himself because everyone has a right to their opinion, okay, but not to be mean to the millions of people to whom the Backstreet Boys are so important, is taking his newly-discovered irrational hatred of the Backstreet Boys to a new level. "Yeah, so we're going to be fighting. Whatever, I'm not sure of the details, but it'll be the first 1,000 girls who show up. No guns or knives. No hair-pulling...wait, nevermind. You can pull hair all you want," says Holden as he begins shaving his head. "I guess we'll fight till one side gives up." Just where will the rumble be taking place? "Oh, good question. I hadn't really planned that out. OK, let's say that it'll be at the old baseball field at the corner of Main Street and Washington Avenue in lovely Paristown, Ohio. I have never been there nor am I aware if there is a baseball field there. But let's say that the fight will be in that general area." Holden Caulfield is impervious to flame. The owners of TheSpark have expressed some concern about the whole event. "Frankly, we're a little concerned about the whole [event]," says Sam Yagan. "Not so much that Holden wants to fight a bunch of girls, but that he might get really hurt." Not so, says Holden as his fat blubbers around in a sympathetic vibration that cannot be stopped. "I've been running a lot. Well, some. OK, walking." If nothing else, the event poses an opportunity for Holden to have some contact with the opposite sex. "He's never talked to a girl, let alone kissed one," explains Yagan, Spark Owner Extraordinaire. Yes, as a horrible loser, Holden is both excited and nervous to be near girls. "I'm feeling a little excited and a little nervous," he was heard saying during his daily reflection on his feelings about life, the future, the Backstreet Boys, fighting girls, being jealous of the Backstreet Boys, not knowing how sweet the Backstreet Boys are, wishing that he were famous instead of the Backstreet Boys, kittens, and how much dignity and go-get-'em spirit the Backstreet Boys have relative to his own pathetic existence. Look for Holden to arm himself with nothing more than the mound of human flesh he calls his body - which is ugly - and some biting irony. Look for the girls to arm themselves with blind anger. And sticks. Who will emerge the victor from this ultimate struggle? The advantage will certainly lie with the 1,000 girls, given their overwhelming numbers and Holden's status as a total loser. Even more daunting for Holden would be if some male Backstreet Fans showed up to fight. "They're out there. I got a couple emails," he said. Some have suggested that this might not be the best way to resolve a situation that has him getting death threats almost everyday. "That may be true...whatever, though," he responded. Subtle irony is dead for all true lovers of the Backstreet Boys. - Holden Caulfield's e-mail is Holden_Caulfield@thespark.com editor's note: this has become so controversial, we've added a Backstreet Boys room to SparkChat! Visit it if you want to discuss BSB or the article. Comment on this item. Recent Comments Submitted by: Barneyxcq RRxFdM http://www.LnAJ7K8QSpfMO2wQ8gO.com Comment on this item. Next Item: Backstreet vs. N'Sync: let's put an end to this boy-band feud once and for all Prev Item: AJ is 'King For The Day'